When people ask: answering questions and stares

Most questions come from curiosity, not unkindness. Having a few answers ready makes them much easier, for you and for your child.

What families actually run into

Parents of babies with a cleft describe comments from strangers on early trips out, young children pointing or staring, and the occasional thoughtless remark. Many felt most of it came from unfamiliarity rather than unkindness, and some found staring harder to handle than a direct question.^[1] As children grow, teasing can happen too. In a Scandinavian study, parents reported that 39% of 5-year-olds with a cleft had experienced cleft-related comments or teasing.^[2] A U.S. survey found that middle school was the period when children with a cleft differed most from their peers, including on bullying, and that teasing was reported to a similar degree across cleft types.^[3] Psychologists also stress that many young people with a cleft do not have these difficulties.^[4]

None of this is a reason to worry in advance. It is a reason to practice, so your child has words ready when they need them.

A simple formula: explain, reassure, move on

Changing Faces, a UK charity for people with visible differences, teaches a three-step approach called Explain, Reassure, Divert: briefly explain your difference, reassure the other person if they seem worried or confused, then move the conversation to something else, often with a question.^[5] The Cleft Lip and Palate Association (CLAPA) gives a child's version:^[6]

1. Explain: "I was born with a gap in my mouth and the doctors sewed it up when I was a baby."
2. Reassure: "It doesn't hurt."
3. Change the subject: "Did you do your maths homework?"

ACPA suggests a similar three-part script (acknowledge the difference, give a brief explanation, then move on) and notes that "in most cases, people are not trying to be hurtful."^[7] How much to share is always your child's choice. Changing Faces points out that one option is simply to say you'd rather not talk about it and change the subject.^[5]

Scripts for curious kids

"I was born with a cleft lip. It's just how my smile is made."

"I had surgery when I was little for cleft lip and palate. Want to play tag?"

"It's a scar from an operation when I was a baby. It doesn't hurt."

For adults who stare or ask

"She was born with a cleft lip and palate. She's doing great, thanks for asking."

Changing Faces advises parents to keep it short: the goal is to defuse the moment and end the conversation, and you don't owe anyone your child's medical details.^[8] For a stare, their suggestions include briefly meeting the person's eyes with a neutral expression, or simply walking away.^[5] A calm answer doesn't mean you can't feel annoyed inside.^[8]

Your child is listening

"Children often look to adults for how to behave," Changing Faces reminds parents, so choose words you'd be happy to hear your child use.^[8] ACPA adds that children can sense if a parent feels ashamed, and encourages talking openly and using accurate terms like "cleft lip."^[7] When your child hears you answer calmly and kindly, they learn that their story is nothing to hide.

When a comment is unkind

It's okay to keep it short and walk away: "That's not a kind thing to say." ACPA lists three choices a child can make: ignore it or walk away, respond briefly ("Please stop" or "That's not nice"), or share information about clefts. Whichever they choose, a confident voice and posture help.^[7] Changing Faces stresses teaching children that it is okay to walk away and tell someone.^[8]

Afterward, check in with your child about how it felt. Changing Faces suggests acknowledging their upset and making clear the problem lies with the other person: "it isn't about you, it is about them."^[8] CLAPA recommends giving children space to talk without blame and reassuring them that nothing will be done without talking to them first.^[6]

Teasing or bullying?

Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance and is repeated, or could be repeated, over time.^[9] If teasing turns into bullying or doesn't stop, involve the teacher, the school and your cleft team.^[7] CLAPA suggests asking for the school's anti-bullying policy and keeping a factual written record of incidents.^[6] The psychologist on your child's cleft team can help your child cope and may work with the school.^[6]

Practice helps

• Role-play at home. Take turns being the curious kid, the starer and the teaser.^[7]
• Let your child write their own answers. Changing Faces suggests a "3-2-1" list: three things to do if someone stares, two things to say if someone asks, and one thing to think if someone turns away.^[5]
• Have a short answer for acquaintances and a longer one for close friends.^[7]
• Ask your child to remember a time they were curious about someone who looked different. It helps them see most people aren't trying to hurt.^[8]

Confidence grows every time they use their words.

If you're the parent of the curious child

It's natural for kids to notice differences. Seattle Children's suggests teaching that pointing and staring are not okay but asking questions is, and giving short, factual answers.^[10] A simple "Hi!" to the other child is a great start.